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| Its been long enough now to constitute a post. Well nothing really
utterly new. I joined a Homegroup with Grace called Turbobutter, and
yes these people are as crazy as the name. But, crazy people are
fun. Tori is very much energetic, and Brandi is fun to be around,
Nat is really fun because of his weird ideas and interesting
personality. Others include Kevin, Josh, Abbie, Daniel, Christie, Allan
(who seems to be a quite person), Ryan, Ransom, and Erica . Since
then, life has been much easier and less boring. Which is awesome
considering, my last couple posts here. I got a 90 on my Graphic
Communications Mid Term and a chance to get 25 more points on it. my
responce to that is SWEET. I am officially going to the Men's ACC
and NCAA tournaments, and this makes me very happy. However, we
lost to UNC by 24 and BC by to in 2OT, which is a bummer, but life goes
on. I went to a wedding this weekend and it was MUCH fun, and it made
me really happy. It took 10 hours of total riding in a car to get
there and back but it was well worth it. I have pictures on my
facebook. I also found out that my STS 322 midterm has no time limit,
just has to be turned in by Sunday night, yet another plus. Oh yea and
the weather has been AWESOME. I LOVE this weather, mid 60s -low 70s.
Ill have to infiltrate the Court of the Carolinas, and roll around in
the grass or something. Yea something stupid, that stuff is fun, and I
love being in nature especially in the city. I dont think I am a
city person, infact im pretty sure Im not.
Well on that note, im off.
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| Yea so Im quite bored sitting in the room/apartment. I have HW to
do but it just doesn't want to be done. So why fight
it?
So far classes are going fairly well, I am starting to procrastinate
but with some will power maybe I can stop it before it goes to far.
Thats about all I can think of to say right now. So ttyl.
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| Yes so time to vent yet again. YAY!!!
Not! Its been forever since I vented and so
this one may be quite long. I am warning you all now that is if anyone
actually looks at this stuff, Don't you have better things to
do?. Anyways, so far to get caught up to today. *takes a big
breath*
Since the I last posted, which was forever and a day ago, I have been
basically getting major psychological help( well in my eyes that
is), So I went to the Counseling Center here at State and talked
to one of the counselors about getting help because lets face it I
desperately needed it. After running around for a while getting stuff,
signed and getting opinions and all this nice stuff that comes with the
territory. I was able to get her to drop my semester, which I needed to
do, because I am currently burned out with school, my stress level is
soo freaking high, its not funny. Anyways, I had the semester dropped
around november, and so I had NOTHING to do for a good while
except think and gather myself for a grueling new semester. During the
time, I tried to figure out what I wanted and what was important to me,
and where I stood in regards to my friends, family, outside people,
mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I will
separate those in there own specific paragraphs probably. If you
all didn't already know I am not in good standings with the academic
board at State, and for those who have known me I am typically a very
good student. So you may ask me what has gone wrong, and up until the
past 2-3 weeks I couldn't answer the question. Can you imagine how you
feel, when you have no idea what is wrong with you, or the reason you
are so different from what you used to be? Yea well thats where I
was. Well I had a few tests done and those helped let me
know what was wrong, and some ways to help me get back on track. THANK
GOD!!! ok well so far thats the summary to lead up to the main thesis
of this post. Now the for the paragraphs.
Friends:
Well, I have met a slew of new people recently that have given me hope
for the future. Tori, a very vibrant person that is pretty
spunky.
She has helped me find new friends in the way of Church. Ginny, has
been a major help and there is an interesting story on that one. Ginny
and I met in TED class, while we were doing one of those ice-breaker
games and her interesting fact was that she loved mustangs and as most
of you all know I have a 66' mustang convertible. Well the next day in
Econ, I realized that she was in my Econ class also and happened to be
sitting right beside me *shrugs* "Go figure!". Seems as if my
classes have been swarmed this semester with my section, I have Nate in
my Econ class and Wally and Tim in my Graphic Communication class. Its
not much but its makes me feel better to have people I know in classes
with me. Burt(pastor) and Matthew from church, have also helped
release some tension I have had. Chris and Jacky are still
helping keep me occupied with things to do and I don't know what I
would
do without them there. My apartment mates, Alex and Jeff are just a
hoot. At any given moment, I can be laughing at something those 2 come
up with. Now I know this will sound weird and well let me
tell you, I was quite baffled to tell you the truth about this.
Kristen, who is a member of the NCSU Dance Team, after one of the
basketball games, came up to me and started talking to me, and I don't
know if it was pure amazement or not but I was utterly stunned in my
current position. I mean all of a sudden this beautiful girl comes up
to me, of all people and talks to me. Well, needlessly to say, I
think that was an eye opener. I talk to her a little on AIM and at
basketball games now, and sometimes I think she ignores me and you know
what I don't blame her. I get a little annoying after a while. I'm not
sure but lately its seems like our away messages are talking to each
other lol. (Wow, I just smiled thinking about it) *dork*. Anyways, she
has helped me with alot of things and yet I don't think she knows it.
Oh well
Family:
My whole family(exception to mom and dad) just seems to be pulling away
from each other as I am out of view. Our family used to go out to
eat with each other EVERY friday night and have a family get together
to see how everything during the week was going. Well now when I come
home is the only time that they really seem to say well lets get
together. It makes me sad to think about that, because I am such a huge
family person. :-/ Dad has been furious at me of late, about the
college stuff (grades, money, etc.) and I don't blame him what so
ever. He is the one person I still want to get approval from, no
matter what it is I do. I just feel like I disappoint
him all the time and that is just sooo unbearable to think about.
In my eyes disappointing him is like committing murder. I know
he is proud of me, but he never says it and sometimes you just want to
here it. Mom has been my saving grace in the past few weeks, she has
been everywhere I needed her and I can't express how much I needed
that.
Outside people:
Well not much to really say, the psychologist that I saw has really
helped to calm me down and get me situated on the things I need to do.
Mentally:
Well I have had anxiety, stress, and depression moments off and on for
a while. I have an attention disorder, where my brain processes a
little slower than normal, and that is nice to know. Its better than
having a ? there. My stress is still insanely high, and I don't
know how to lower it, but I am containing it fairly well. I have also
become paranoid about alot of things and that is really really getting
on my nerves. Its like sometimes you want to do something and
other times you want to be in a box of solitude. I really don't need to
be in a box thats for sure, my personality alone keeps me in a box. I
have finally started to get over my ex-girlfriend, Jessica, and thats
helping a little. But the 5th of every month and certain events
like the circus are kind of hard to think about still.
Physically:
My knees are giving out and I can rarely do what I love doing so much,
and that is playing basketball. If I do play then I have a bad
night of intense pain. I have started getting more headaches lately
just about everyday. The stress is sooo freaking high and without
basketball to kill some of it I don't know what I am going to do.
Noone really to talk to anymore. (Used to talk to Jessica)
Emotionally:
Well I still get depressed and in those moods that I just want to be by
myself and not trusting anyone. Yea those will take time to beat, but I
don't give up easily.
Spiritually:
Well I have started going to crusade regularly and Grace Community
Church also. I have also started reading the bible some more. So
I think I will be getting more into that as time progresses.
Ok so back to that main reason I am updating.
Well, this afternoon, I decided to walk back slowly in the rain and
think about some things. Mostly about what I want to do with my
life and whats the future holding for me. As of right now I am pretty
much depressed, but I will get better. I love walking in the
rain, there is something about it that just makes you think more. I
realized that analyzing most people you see that they like to live life
in the fast lane per say. They don't really expend much thought into the
consequences in there actions, and sometimes I wish I was more like
that. I however am the person who says little but learns much because I
am constantly analyzing everything about people from there stance,
posture, tone, innuendoes, etc. I also realize that I tend to shy away
from things Im not used to, and view / the spotlight. I don't
like to act foolish but sometimes I wish I would just do it and stop
thinking about it. I don't mind leading people but I am a serious
leader and don't slow down or let up until it is done. Well with
all the time I have, its easy to get depressed and unsure of
myself. Sometimes I feel like a nobody, but that just my nature.
Im also a person who gives all I can to others and asks nothing in
return. So I guess I can live with it, hell im doing it
now. Ok well I have vented enough I guess. I am sorry for anyone
who actually read all this, you deserve a metal or something.
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| like whoa its been forever since I have updated this thing. Well to keep this update a little shorter Ill summarize the events up to today.
Tuesday, Nov 1st
Class was long and annoying and well thats about it. I skipped pokeys and hung out in the apartment and saw Abbey later that night when she came to visit.
Wednesday, Nov 2nd
basically I was making sure I had everything for band but I played video games and did some HW before Band class.
Thursday, Nov 3rd
day full of classes, got back to apartment and watched Alex play his new game ghost recon 2 which was funny.
Friday, Nov 4th
I got up played a little bit of Ghost recon 2, then I went to my counseling appointment and got some MUCH needed help and it sort of helped me get a baring on what I needed to do. We left for the camping trip on Stone Mountain. We got to Thomas' Grandfathers house late that night and basically chilled and made our plans for the next day and such.
Saturday, Nov. 5th
We got up that morning and packed up and left the house and headed to the campground. We arrived there mid-morning and set up everything. Then we had a small football game with teams of Salmon, Will, and Jonwa vs. Tyson, Nate, and myself. Well the overall score before we decided to leave for the hiking trip was 14-0 so my team won. I ran for the second score with my mad scrambling skills. Well we left and went to the trail. We went up the trail backwards and it was REALLY tough. My knee was really bothering me before the hiking trip but Im too stubborn to give in to the pain. We hiked all 4.5 miles of the strenuous trail and then came back and did our little initiation thing at the park. That was fun. When we got back to the camping spot we cooked polish sausage and roasted marshmallows and made smores. Well they were good and all. Then we decided that we wanted to play capture the flag with flashlights since by then it was pitch black outside. Well soon we decided that the flashlights werent going to work so we played without flashlights and that was alot of fun/pain. We were running after the invaders through an open field that had many many holes/ditches/crevises and we were falling constantly very hard. Oh yea we also found out that we won the football game and that inspired Tyson Mooney to run around the field waving his window NCSU flag around (this was rather hilarious). Well apparently Will took a fancy to the hay bales and decided to hump every last one of them while we were playing the game. Well we finally stopped playing late that night and went to sleep. Then we got up the next morning and Will and his accomplishes collapsed Salmon's tent while he was still sleeping in it lol. We packed up and went back home. we stopped at FuudRuckers and ate. the rest of the day was boring and I was soooo tired from the day before.
Sunday, Nov 6th
haha I was sooo soar that day I just stayed in bed for the longest time.
Monday, Nov 7th
began the Ghost Recon 2 game and advanced pretty well through the game, before band. Went to pep band practice that afternoon and it was great fun. Came back and chilled really. Oh yea and I also went to my appointment at the health center.
Tuesday, Nov 8th
Skipped 2 classes that day but other than that I did nothing and I skipped pokes.
Wednesday, Nov 9th
nothing different than a normal wednesday except I missed a scheduled appointment with the health center.
Thurdsday, Nov 10th
Nothing to really say here
Friday, Nov 11th
Well I got out of band early and left for home. I ate dinner at pizza village with my whole family and it was wonderful. They are so fun to be around. Well we watch the DVD that I ordered offline for my mom, "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers". I personally love that movie and I think its the ONLY musical I like. Well thats all for friday.
Saturday, Nov 12th
I got up and went tht get my haircut and I wen to Best Buy to get my cousin nick some help on some wireless networking stuff. Then I came home and helped my dad and left to go back the Raleigh. Well I dressed myself up and I think I clean up very well if I do say so myself. I went to the band ball and met my fellow saxes there. I saw carmen ride on the sidewalk with was extremely funny, and I the band ball DVD was pretty good. I was shown twice but thank god neither time was my dirty shuffle I was freaking out because I thought it was gonna be on there.Well I came without an official date and you know what I had sooo much fun tonight. I practically danced with Ronda the entire night, but you know what I had a ton of fun. God I love dancing. Jason our DJ was awesome. I would recommend him to anybody I knew. They played beach music and for the people who know me I LOVE beach music. Well then at 12:10 am or so we went to the Waffle House and talked for a bit.
Well now that pretty much sums up the time that I missed. Have a goodone yall until I get back to another post. | | |
| yea its been a while since I posted in this thing. Well I have
been busy throughout this time. So let me start at where I left
off.
Jessica Nalbone I found her on facebook and aparently she is now
ignoring me now which really sucks because I wanted to ask her to band
ball but you know what life goes on. Apparently, Mary is having a
rough time this week too and I have been talkin to her some too.
Im just really depressed right now and well I figure I would let
everyone know how much of a loser I am. Why Not
right? Well, I finally talked to Jenna some this week
and that was nice for a change. Im tired of looking for a girl
friend and Im just gonna let them come to me (like thats gonna
happen). Well wednesday was a annoying because garcia made us
practicing like nazis. After practice, I went to eat with my saxes
which is always amusing. Later I came back and did
something boring. Thursday was busy full of classes, I woke
up and realized we had a test and so I got 20 min of studying before
the test. I got a 76 on it which isnt bad considering.
Discrete Math was boring as always and so was physics and ece200.
Im gonna change majors Im almost positive because I realized that
this stuff isnt what I want to do at least right now. I also played
Basketball with my homies in Building A Friday I played games and
iced my knees, because for some reason my good knee was soar as
hell I think I might have sprained it and not known about it,
until we had to go to practice. After practice was the stupid
parade. The parade was long and since my knee was hurting like hell and
I was marching a mile and a half on it I had a bad night.
So on to Saturday. I got up and I felt like shit, but I started moving
and bet the saxes at bojangles before we left for the game. After
loaded te buses and all and arrived at the field I switched spots with
a fellow sax and joined the front half of the band at the walk of
champions(my section sure knows how to cheer me up  Saxes rock
). Oh and apparently I am gonna be on the Band Ball video doing my
version of the "dirty shuffle" which the crowd loves for some
reason. Seemed like that video guy was freakin following me
around because I kept moving all over the formation and he seemed to be
shooting at that freakin spot everytime. :-/ Red and White game
was BORING!!! The only good thing I saw was we still had atsur and
eptimov (spelling) and that Gavin Grant is coming back as well as
Andrew Brackman. Im looking forward to a decent season in
basketball for us but thats all im looking forward to.
THE GAME REVIEW:
Well lets see hmm where to start. Ahh yes The defense was our biggest
helper this game. We had very minor penalties and few of
them. Stone was much better than Davis would of been. In
fact, if it wasn't for the fumbled punt and the
fumble by baker they probably wouldnt of scored in the game.
Stone threw 2 INTs 1 was all his fault and the other was
partially number 83s fault he knocked the ball up instead of down
and that is a reciever no-no. Stone threw some key passes and
made some key runs that made himself much more respected by the
Wolfpack nation. He was lowing his shoulder and flipping around
to get the first down. Guess what if you have a mobile QB you
have a good running game. After the half it was 14-0 and
aparently Chuck had a few choice words to say to the team in the locker
room. Apparently, we have another AWESOME running back named
Andre Brown #24 that nobody knew about because he was or 4th string
RB WTF???? He decimated the Eagles
defense by runing over, around and through them. Accumulated a
248 yds in rushing and also caught some key passes. I was like
where did this guy come from. at least 80% of his yds came after
contact. He scored 2 TDs rushing and Stone hit Clark in the
corner of the End Zone with 5 min to go in the 4th for the score to
make the score 21-17. The defense held its ground forcing a
punt. We couldnt run the clock out all the way and gave the ball
back up. Durani punted the ball high and the reciever called for
fair catch and mishandled it with 1 min and 40 secs to go and they had
to time outs left. So we got the ball back and ran out the
clock for the win.
Key points:
2 INTs
2 Fumbles
248 yrds rushing by A.Brown
Defense getting rested while offense is on the field
I would love to see the wishbone and/or the power T to come into the playbook but we will see.
After the game we got back and I was still feeling like crap and
Jessica N. was still ignoring my existance which made me mad, I
mean at least say hey. Well I went to I *heart* NY Pizza
with my circle of band friends including, Jessica R. , Jessika R.,
Jeff, Ken, Brandon, Abbey, and Jessianne somehow followed us or
something. After that I went to Cary Band Day with Abbey and watched
some of the bands play. My high school band won Grand Champion
for 1A, 2A, and 3A again. Its the 4th time in 5 years and they
won there class which is every year for the past 5 years. well
since 1999 when we didnt go to cary. Sunday well was rather
boring and nothing really happened other than I went Stuart's Apartment
and watched my Building A friends drink. They are so much
fun I miss those guys. Monday, was really boring because I
couldnt get myself to do any HW except physics. It was also
Halloween and my building A friends were all dressed from Franklin
street but I couldnt go and thats really not my seen either. Well
How im up to today, Tuesday. Well lets see I couldnt sleep at all
last night and I feel like shit now. I overslept my Java class
and discrete math class. Im getting more and more
depressed and now im thinking about the past and what I have done and
havent done. I feel so emotionally screwed up. I have 2
labs and physics class in which I have to go to. well the labs
anyways. I need to drop out of college bad to just get my
head back on straight. I have no plain no ambitions and no
motivation anymore. I have been in classes for going on 3
straight years and I mean straight I even took summer sessions
both previous years. I want to just get a decent job and catch my
mind up and refocus on what is important.
Just a glimpse of my emotional trama right now:
I have 2 digestive disorders (stress brings them back)
A heart that is skipping beats I swear
A heart with a huge ass hole in it (jessica)
The one person I used to consul in before jessica my granny is dead.
My family is not nearly as close anymore
I believe I am ADD and Bipolar
I feel empty inside and worthless
The thought that I didnt used to be this way, What the hell happened to me?
School is driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!
my only saving grace now is the counselor I am gonna go see on
friday. With any luck this counselor will help me sort all this
crap out. Until then I think im just gonna cry and punch
stuff until I break a hand or something.
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